Intrinsically American

'Hey how are you! is not a question its a greeting. It's something you say in passing and it doesn't imply that you would actually wait to hear the answer'!!!

ahh how eternally grateful I feel to the ethics professor for spelling this out and loud in the class as typically American. I had been having my own ethical dilemma with this greeting to the extent that I had devised a counter approach. Shoot this question in the other person's direction with a smile before he throws it at you and then rush off..

Then i can't get the deal of food that is served just 'too cold' for my pahari appetite.

I'm yet to spot something with a 'made in america' label, a bandanna scarf for a team building exercise also reads, 'made in china'

I'll perhaps keep adding to this list!

Stocks!

A: ‘So how is your stalker doing?’

Me: ‘I don’t invest in stocks (pun intended)!’

B:’Your stocks just went up!’

Me: ‘I don’t invest in stocks’

These conversations were in different points of time and in different cities and in different contexts. But the recurrence of the word stock stuck me in the economics class! New perspectives with the economics and accounting classes that have made their way into my life. However I’m not going into the economic value here but yes I’m definitely going to look at the ‘value proposition’. How much do we invest in the stocks of public admiration and ego boosts? How do we respond to market buoys and market dips?

For all the time I said, ‘I don’t invest in stocks’ the truth is none of us are really so detached. The market is all around us and we are very much there. However we all choose to be affected by it in different measure. There are the very aggressive investors and the highly volatile stocks and then there are the consistent performers and occasional shooting stars. It is interesting to watch the relationship for different people however the more enlightening part is to be your own audience.

When you find yourself in a different place, different geographically and far removed from your comfort zone and your circle of friends you get an honest audience of yourself in a new market! You get registered in a new stock exchange and there you go. Some days play rough and it seems you can’t make sense of anything around. It’s like you don’t fit in at all. I have had this feeling before but what took me by surprise is how I was affected thinking where I stand in others estimation. I was thinking of my stock. It is a different environment around. I look back at the relaxed 4 years of college and I know this is not the same deal. Back then it was more relaxed, it was more about friendship and now all I hear is networking. While I’m writing the above lines I can hear all the ‘told you so’ comments from friends ‘who’d been there & done that’! Dude I’m not complaining, I am experiencing it firsthand. However for everything that may change, everything that I may learn or unlearn I still wouldn’t bother myself with my stocks, intangible assets work for me J

New Friends need New Games

And then someday you just realize you played your best game of ‘mafia’ not today but the first time someone taught you.  I think of the mafia game and I recall the Nagarjuna Sagar, the Tata winger, the ‘shutter-island’ ah!  And the wonderful bunch of people I befriended back in Hyderabad. I suddenly realize how earnestly I miss them all.

And then we sit in CCD coffee shop assuming the characters of our favorite movie.  It was pure awesomeness, what an august company it was-the Kungfu Panda, Master Shifu, the Tigress and the peacock J Round and cheerful that’s how ‘S ‘qualified the Panda round. Sophisticated and prim R was the peacock through & through. I just recalled C was multitasking; she was the Tigress and the Master Sheep. To shadow the peacock in the Jade palace (Shilpa Park) we needed the Master Sheep.  And for this new school of histrionics Kungfu-style! I had to be the unassuming Master Shifu.

I still believe it was the rain dance on the roof top in Hyderabad that gave me the sneezes! All dripping and cold, that’s the way to enjoy a Sunday shower at home. And how do you enjoy the sun on weekdays? The team communal breaks in the evening.  Barista time in the ‘sprawling’ office lawn under the sun umbrellas, talking of life philosophically, talking of dreams, and cracking jokes at the manager’s expense…‘Pyar batete chalo!’

 I could go on counting all the ‘good-times’ but what strikes me today is how in retrospective all the days look so much more beautiful. Every time you move in with a new set of people you again have to make a fresh start. It will again take an effort to learn a new game because ‘the mafia game can never be as much fun as it was the first time when someone taught you’.

We Travel

“ We travel, initially to lose ourselves,

 And we travel next to find ourselves..

And we travel in essence, to become young fools again- 

to slow time down and get taken in and fall in love once more”

I read the above lines in some TOI Sunday edition long time back and it has stayed with me since then. Now when I have made the longest trek of my life this thought came back to me once again.  Yes I have come this far to lose myself. Literally yes, I keep losing track of the way and then with all the resourcefulness I can muster I find my way back. This analogy works pretty much with everything.  With people who initially look, speak differently than you, you shake off the unfamiliarity with a tender smile and work a conversation ahead. You lose yourself momentarily only to find your way back home.

Yes I travelled so far to become a young fool again! Had grown old (grey haired) working in the IT sector. I am pretty sure it will be difficult to unlearn things and learn new things.  I am not sure how easy it would be to become a fool again! ‘To slow time down..’ the ultimate elixir. For all the milestones and ‘to do’ things on our list, wish we had just some more time.  When I look into my parents eye why do I see a glance that almost wishes for time to slow down, or is it just me seeing the reflection of my heart’s desire to hold on to things I love.  Being so far away does make things move slowly.  When you sit all alone time does seem to go slow. Ironic how you get what you desire but not really as you would expect it to come along.

To get taken in and fall in love just once more..

Perhaps this is the most philosophical part. We walk gingerly along the shore afraid of the waters. They may take you in and throw you on unknown shores. Leave you all bruised, leave you all hurt. When you leave the familiar shores and step in, you are not always sure of what to expect and the only thing that can keep you afloat is if you can truly love the waters as much as you loved the shore.  And for all you may know, for all the time you were tip-toing along the shore your plank of ‘Bodhi tree’ was adrift in the waters (The 'Bodhi-tree' here has a contextual reference!)

Living on faith

“And beyond the last campfire man has faith for friend..”, Horace Shipp.
And you know it accompanied him to the top of the world..

“Drive no faster than your guardian angels can fly!”

At the hour of our greatest happiness and in the hour of deepest despair, each of us finds our own personal anchor. We hope against all odds, we pray for miracles, we look up to a power stronger than us, we live on a faith that there is someone watching over us and he has a plan for us. A believer or an atheist each to his, a little faith somewhere. Some look for a tangible reason others believe in stories and tales passed through generations.

I am trying to recall the stories which I never came across in course books. These stories had quaint sounding gods. These gods had small temples all over the hills. There were festivities in honor of these deities, but no official holidays. Incidentally these festivities coincided with the changing seasons. Incidentally the stories too talked of a time when civilization just started in the hills. These stories were about stoically facing natural calamities with the grace of god, about close encounters with wild beasts and miraculous escapes. In the darkest of night, in the thickest of forest when people lost their way, they found some generous help in the most unexpected ways. A diety, a faith was borne and upto this day generations living in the hills worship their local gods, their ,’Golijyun’,’Gangnath’,’Airy’, ‘Chaumu’,’Haru and Saim’,’Betaleswar’. Each has its ardent followers in certain pockets of the hills, and people believe that he is there to watch over their lives and livelihood.

After a very long gap, I am here at my home to celebrate one such festivity with the true hill-fervor. ‘Harela’, is a festival that heralds the rainy season in the hills. In every household the eldest member of the family owns this festival. A handful of five or more variety of grains are sown in a small container for almost 10 days. These grains sprout into small leafy stems, which are then cut and distributed in the entire family. These same grains are then sown in the fields; there is a special blessing that goes with the ‘Harela’ leaves. The exact verse I’ll paste in another few days, but the gist of the blessing is to welcome greenery in life, as in fresh enthusiasm, prosperity and well being.

Symbolism and celebrations have their own significance. Yet they may appear as mere charade if you don’t believe it in some way. You realize their true meaning when you internalize them. They become a part of your identity, a part of your belief, a part of your faith. These stories give you roots that will sustain you as they sustained the generations before you. These deities looked for your people when they made their tryst with a new place, they will look for you when you bravely embark on your pursuits.

NET-(act...INact)-ivity …

I accept that this word coinage may not be obvious to some people in the first glance but I hope to make it clear by the last word of the blog. However if I fail then try your luck to google and see(subtle hint!)

A lot of things have changed in the recent past. I am un-employed, having resigned from my job(clarification not thrown out for my activity/inactivity).I am peacefully at home and not sharing my space in a rented apartment. However the peace is not the utopian ‘comfortably-numb’ state because it is the preparation phase for the next lap which is a total stranger. Not delving much into deeper stranger stuff. I am going to write about the one change that makes me fret most often and gives my mom fresh ammunition to charge at an entire generation plagued with the ills of living away from home.

The simple act of connecting to the internet has turned into an infinite wait. After a patient/impatient ‘lucky’ wait I manage to get connected, only to find my connection crawling at 15kbps,20kbps and back to 0 kbps. I can always walk up to the AC cyber café near my home, however that makes internet too labour intensive when just a few days back it was so readily and speedily available at a click’s notice. Well I am still scouting for ways to bring my internet woes to end but that is not the point of this blog.

The point (my mother’s point) is- what makes me so restless? For any immediate need the cyber café is just a small walk away so why all the fuss. It turns out all my needs are immediate, for all the questions that keep coming to my head I need immediate answers. Then to aggravate matters I have developed a compulsive random surfing/downloading habit. Most often I scout for songs primarily English bands. Perhaps for me the initiation was a little late. It coincided with my younger brother’s guitar learning quest.

I trace a band and plough the net for all its relevant history geography. All I need is a cue to the band, may be a mention by someone or a shared audio/video link on Facebook. I might notice the song of the band feature in some movie or popular TV sops. Now this is an elaborate process, you listen to the song, watch it on YouTube, read the lyrics and further read the reviews of the song. This part is completely net dependent and I’m completely paralyzed with my awesome net connection. The next discussion phase with my kid brother is pretty easy these days. However all I can discuss sitting right across the room is about the awful speed and wasted effort. Thus not finding anything new to explore I thought of writing about songs that are a real treasure for me.

My most recent discovery is the band, The National. It is a pretty much quaint band (judging by the fact that I have encountered it just a few days back.) The baritone of the lead singer and the musical arrangement really got me hooked. One of my favorites is also the first song that I heard of this band-Slow show. Interestingly in their songs, the lyrics have certain lines that just cling to you. There is a vivid visual imagination that goes with the song, sample the following lyrics with the instrumentation.

You know I dreamed about you
For twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
For twenty-nine years—Slow show, The National

I’ll not quote further from this song, because I’ll end up pasting the entire lyrics. Then there is the deeply melancholic, About today. The last lines as he croons and the song slowly fades..

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing—About today, The National

We're half awake in a fake empire
We're half awake in a fake empire—Fake empire, The National

I know you're a serious lady.
Living off a teacup full of cherries.
Nobody knows where you are living.
Nobody knows where you are.—So far around the bend, The National

How can anybody know
How they got to be this way--Daughters of the Soho riots, the National

The other songs that I downloaded of the band and am now listening with the backdrop of pitter patter rain drops are: ‘Mistaken for strangers’,’ Racing like a pro’, ’Afraid of everyone’,’ Apartment story’. I just realized that all these songs are beautifully melancholic although not quite upbeat. I have lots in my repertoire for all moods but for today this is the flavor.

Coming back to the NET-(act...INact)-ivity, let me try my luck if I can post this blog in the next 15minutes and gladly sigh a breath of relief.

Sun and shadows..

Have you ever noticed the pageantry of the setting sun?

I have seen it follow me all orange and big racing along as I eye it from a moving bus/train/auto.

I have tried to catch the last of it as it lazily snuggles behind the cold mountains and I try to still feel the warmth in the receding light.

I have seen it; in all its majestic glory descend into the thirsty expanse of the blue waters.  The golden rays gurgling and playing with different hues on the palette of the ocean.

And today I made the sun just disappear flat out...  

It was this little cloudy and hazy sky and the setting sun looked like this meek boy you could look right across in his eyes. It was faint but still held on to his well rounded form. I took off my eyes and meandered a while in a conversation. It’s a strange conversation where you are all but searching for words- the few words, the few glances and the hanging pauses before you know you have to say goodbye. You glance periodically at the cruel timekeeper; it was 6:30 pm. I look into the treasure trove of yester day’s and yester years to fish out a conversation. For all my efforts I am back to looking at the moving hands at 6:35pm. I didn’t fare well but a conversation is a two way effort so my friend why don’t you push the cart for a while and I’ll pitch in just as you want.  

It’s no good ever ..you lose it quarter way or inch somehow midway then fade out.  And fade out we did, and the only thing to rest my eyes upon was this faint little sun in the sky; almost scooped up by the arrogant clouds. It was 6:54pm and I was stalking the sun watching its every move.  And then I made the sun disappear, it faded right before my eyes...

Ah what an emotional fool to believe that I could make the sun to disappear..

Perhaps you can make the sun to disappear at times. And then your only hope is that perhaps protected by the looming shadows the conversation still carries on uninterrupted in an unknown world, while we walk into the daylight of the world as we know it.

Simply put it’s not easy for me to say goodbye!

Smash...

Smash! The voice bellowed... It was time to go for the kill, serve the most potent ‘power-speed’ smash and leave the opponent defenseless. There was at least four pair of eyes following the shuttlecock (old joke, a speck-y player so 5 pairs of eyes). Well there were other people waiting for their turns and so watching the game and so following the shuttlecock but the command was strictly picked by just a single pair of eardrums and relayed across to the brain, my brain! And so I positioned myself all alert and taut, ready for the action.



Well if it wasn’t a well executed smash, best case it would have landed in my court itself, not angled well enough to cross across the net. A technical alibi is any time better than an embarrassed grin. Then there could be the case ‘not powerful enough’, ‘not speedy enough’, here the opponent gets a high for having just saved a smash shot.


Oops now that wasn’t a smash. It went long and outside the badminton court. It was a naïve shot just a last minute attempt to just get it across, far-far across. Your partner knows exactly that he’s got a raw deal, but thankfully he isn’t the sneering kinds but still you become a miniature version of yourself dwarfed by the real players. The opponents discover soon enough the weakling in the court and target you left, right and centre. There are some occasional freak shots that get applauded to keep your morale boasted but all in all you are trying to save your face through the game. The opponents score courtesy you, the onlookers are happy seeing that their turn to play next is coming sooner than expected again courtesy you.


Its that moment of your life when your entire life passes in front of your eyes, your childhood days when you never learnt to play ‘the game’, the college days when u preferred lazing around and then the office days when all you do is dream to do something productive. What the hell! Who cares if I never played before, I am playing now. I am the weakling today but I’ll outsmart at least few even pathetic souls tomorrow. And best of all I know people who promise to teach me the game from afar and even better come and ‘avenge me for all the 15-luv’(just an expression not that it really happened!)