Being human

You are very scared of some things and not scared of somethings at all..
Does that make you a coward or does that make you brave.. ?
Conclusively you are neither.. you are just human...

You can think clearly sometimes and be completely foolish at other..
Does that make you intelligent or does it make you dumb..?
Conclusively you are neither.. you are just human...

I can write paragraphs, posing the same question, using different adjectives. However that's not the point.
My point is that what is human is inherently flawed-its eccentric, idiosyncratic, contradictory, incongruous, unbalanced, even repulsive and yet brilliant in some way. Our flaws make us human, we are the sum total of our imperfections..

The degree of our flaws determines the monstrosity or humantrosity(not even a word) of our nature. How cognizant we are of our flaws, how we accept them, how we challenge them, makes us human.I believe accepting our flaws is slightly easier than accepting the flaws of the people around us and living with them. Perhaps that's why god sold us the idea of love so that we could forgive him for his flawed creation and peacefully live with each other. There has never been a marketeer bigger than God and we humans are the perennial consumers!
I am pretty sure it is the Valentine's day effect that is making me talk about love and consumerism in the same breath. All the exhibitionism of love, sincerity of love, consumerism of love, tenderness of love, depravity of love, cynicism for love just froths up to the surface on this one day..

Somehow I end up writing a post every Valentine's day, this time its some arcane commentary about flawed humans and their flawed ways!

Happy Birthday!

Some of us are fortunate to have at least one true SOS friend.
And when she turns 30, you are glad that finally she is reaching an age of some wisdom- may be now she'll tell you to do something other than punch guys on their stupid faces.
May be now she'll make better judgement calls when she is talking to your parents about you.
May be now she won't confuse your past-present-future crushes and embarrass you in their very presence.
May be now she'll not ridicule you for the gifts that you pick up for her(voluntarily & involuntarily)..

I would never bet my money or for that matter even my useless 2007 Sony Ericsson Walkman phone on any of the above actually coming true.. Its all a bunch of wishful thinking and nothing more.. She'll never change, least of all because of some bully called turning 30..

But I hear you when you talk about all the unknowns in life. The ideal version of life and how we are still so far away and still so clueless. I don't know why our mind plays this trick on us and we feel this sudden urge to be all wise and grown up one fine day, all I can offer you is:
1. Sing you your birthday song in the most ridiculous tone I can summon(check done!)
2. Dedicate a post to you complete with pictures of you in a silver crown from our golden days(check-done!)
3. Little gyan- If all of life is sorted out, then spice kahan se aayega!

Again Happy Birthday.. :)

Can you laugh?

Some people I know can really laugh! Everyone can smile(mostly) but not everyone can laugh free and loud. I would first like to establish that there is a difference between a smile and a laugh, before I begin to describe the different laugh faces.

A laugh is open-both literally(you open your mouth) and figuratively(you open your heart). A good laugh is loud and clear. A good laugh is honest but not necessarily polite. A good laugh changes your countenance in noticeable ways- red cheeks, a little breathlessness, watery eyes, some people just begin to roll on the ground and some have to go for a wee-wee break!

A laugh is more dramatic than a smile in every way yet it is less confusing than a polite smile. Did he smile at me because he likes me, or am I reading too much..? Did the interviewer smile because he was impressed or he was inwardly laughing at my misery and stupidity? Why did that person give me a smile, do I know him? A smile is a border-line affair on a curve, most of the times you are guessing which side you are, on the other hand a laugh simply implies that something is genuinely funny. Smile is just too multi-functional and multi-dimensional for easy comprehension. A laugh is multidimensional as well(as I would soon explain in the next paragraph) but it has a singularity of purpose and so less confusing.

Lets explore the dimensional differences between different laughing styles.  Now this person I know when he laughs you can barely see his eyes, its like his cheeks hide away the eyes..there is someone when he smiles, there is this vein in his forehead that just swells up like a little continuation of his nose. Someone else who tears up completely when she laughs-teardrops the size of fat rain drops. I know of someone who has to tightly hold her stomach and open her mouth to breathe in so that she doesn't choke herself. There is someone who laughs so loudly that a closed room vibrates, another guy who sounds like a high pitched female when he laughs real loud. There are others who add some more dimensions to a loud laugh- clapping their hands, banging a table, tapping their feet. Its a performance!

At this point I should clarify that I am a dismal laugh person, i have to make do with smiling most of the times and I am envious of people who can laugh heartily. 

And if you have read this far, you perhaps already know if you can really "Laugh" proudly in your own signature style with no care for the world or for people like me who'll go ahead and write a blog about you!

Winter sights

When we are not shivering and cursing the cold, when we are not wrapped up to our eyes or not nestled inside our apartments with the blinds pulled over.. but sitting comfortably by the window side in a cozy cafe sipping warm apple cider, munching warm toasted sandwich and gazing outside, winter sights are a rare treat and a time for some idle contemplation if you are completely by yourself..

I looked out of the window, taking note of how the terrain had changed from the version I had in mind from a similar day back in July. Its all brown and frozen now, there aren't the energetic folks doing a quick lap in the lunch hour. Back then it was like 15 days for me in this city and now its almost 7 months here but I am still an outsider-someone who gets chauffeured around but left to his own resources would probably sit down and cry at an intersection baffled and confused. But I like to think that there is still hope for me and they call it GPS!

Well coming back to the topic, I was about to describe winter only sights in this blog. So here it goes, looking outside of the window, I noticed some dry winter leaves skating on the surface of the frozen pond, playfully skidding from one end to the other. The wind would toss them on the pond and then they would be dancing on the ice trying to keep their balance. As a child I always wondered how cold would it have to get for the Naini lake to freeze completely so that we kids could just skate on it. Somehow that was my idea of super-fun. (why???)

Digressing again, When do you feel at home in a city, how long does it take?
Perhaps it depends on how you define the feeling of home.. but at the most basic level it is about comfort and familiarity. And at times its about the ability to handle the occasional curveball that comes your way. The feeling of Home springs out of strong association with-people, food, places, sports, cultural events, activities... just a myriad of things that make you warm and fuzzy inside. And it sure takes time to create those associations afresh in a new place where everyone has a different set of priorities.

Lets modify the question to a achievable level- when do you 'kind' of know a place, how long does it take?
I guess you begin to know a place when you have your personal list of favorite things in the city and you have a couple of things in your to-explore list..
Top three Kolkata picks: Ferry ride on the Ganges(super cheap/no traffic/lots of munchies at hand/peaceful), College street  and 'puchka & rosgulla' place in the neighborhood..
Top three Hyderabad picks: Go-kart track, all the Firangi Pani(s) and just the best coffee place by the secret turn somewhere in the Jubilee hills..
Memphis: ...............................................................(I really need to push myself....)

Again coming back to the topic I was about to describe another winter sight. You drive in your car and just a handful of light, fluffy and lazy snowflakes nestled cozily in the ridge of the windscreen wipers begin to fly off in the wind or to put it more poetically I'd say-begin to waltz in the wind!
Its a beautiful sight to watch snow falling, when its just waltzing around before silently settling down.As a child I used to keep peeking with anticipation through partially opened doors and windows when it became all numb and quite outside. The cold snow always filled my heart with warmth for my hometown, and even today I rejoice inwardly when the first snow covers the hills back home..
For me, looking at the emerald lake flanked by snow capped  Naini hills while sitting next to a warm 'saghad'-fire is the best winter sight and my version of 'home'...

photo credits: A fellow Nainitalian(i can't recall where I found this picture and saved it to my Naini folder)

One day at a time

With half closed eyes I look at you, only I don't look at you. I am distracted by the rotating disc of changing colors playing on the wall behind you. The changing colors are assaulting my tired senses but still I can't tear away my gaze. My peripheral vision can still sense the distracting colors and I am only too conscious of their presence..

With half tilted head, I strain my ears to listen to you, only I am not listening to you. I am ill at ease trying to identify the song playing in the bar, somewhere in the background of all the loud chatter and your talking. I have heard the song but the words elude me now and I am tormented by my inability to put my finger down on the song before it ends and gets lost in the noise..

With half curled lips, I smile at you to acknowledge your presence, only I am not there and I am searching for someone who is not there as well. I am thinking of my cluttered closet, pile of unopened documents, my laptop that shuts and restarts at its whim on my face. I am all over the place and nowhere really..

I wonder if you can see through me or you are preoccupied by your own self. You mostly look enchanted by the sound and wisdom of your own prosaic words. You are trying to tell me about life and decisions and all things big but you are all over the place and nowhere really..

"Hush..
One day at a time.. Breath in..breathe out..One day at a time.
Its a good thought when the entire year is staring ahead-one day at a time.."

You look at me quizzically, perhaps I wrecked your chain of thought with my sudden moment of clarity but I had nothing more to add. I sat through the rest of the evening listening to you speak to yourself. When we were through and I walked up to my car, with a slight winter chill running through my spine, I smiled to myself  'one evening at a time' and then we can all go home...

Reading the sky..

A lonely fluffy cloud in the perfect blue sky

Like a cryptic message left for someone down below..

Is it standing still or moving or changing slowly?

It makes you think about a celestial story but you don’t know why..

A jet of smoke trailing the airplane in the blue sky

Like a fading white tunnel..

How often do these trails intersect before fading away?

It makes you think about parallel lives, but you don’t know why..

A lonely arrogant eagle circling the blue sky

Like someone on a determined quest..

Do they soar high just to mock the tall proud hills?

It makes you think about going around in lonely circles, but you don’t know why..

With a faraway glance I always scan the blank skies

Like someone in search of answers...

Did anyone ever find answers written on the sky..?

I sometimes wish I could read your mind,but then could you read mine...

Mind's Eye

Straight face me: “If I was not a Naini girl, I would have been a Cali girl..”
Uncontrollable burst of laughter from the other end of the phone, people do appreciate a good sense of humor!

Every time I visit California I am surprised at my ‘wannabe’ streak. However this idea is not so far-fetched, you are either a city girl or a country girl (for lack of better word for all things ‘nature’).
I am just saying give me some green hills, an orange sun, foaming waters, sandy beaches and I am a very content happy person!

On my flight to LA, I was reading about the scientist Nikola Tesla and his experiments with alternating current, wireless transmission of energy and Tesla prong and I feel somewhat inclined to define happiness in terms of physics. You are in a happy state when you find your resonance with a place, person or activity. You connect at your natural frequency, you are most alive, and your mind is unconsciously taking notes (some call it memories). These memories are like an incoherent map of happiness for future reference, a collage of images and experiences frozen in space and time. (key words-incoherent, frozen)

If I was to make a time-lapse video using images captured during my recent trip, the storyboard would look something like this:
LAX airport- colorful pillars you see just before landing, busy, makeshift structures at the arrival section; LA’s palm trees along the roads, curves, always moving traffic. Hit the freeway in the black shadows of the night against the backdrop of the city light. The black shadow of a hill appears right in front of you and as you race by the hill, it recedes and flanks you on the sides. The hills like the loyal sentinels hide away the ocean; however not for long, even the dark shadows of the night cannot conceal the foamy white waves from sight. You slide down the car windows and smile as the lights of passing cars, the wind, the sound and smell of the ocean all hit you at 80mph!

DSLR geeks tell me that making time lapse videos from RAW images is a lot of work but the human brain is unique, it can store millions of memories and string them together in the most beautiful way. I can close my eyes and see the stories that emerge from the images of the peaceful setting sun at the beach, the competitive full-moon following us all the way from Santa Barbara to LA, the picture-perfect postcard town of Solvang with its foreign Dutch air, the cliff with the view of a serpentine railway track running parallel to the shore, the quite ranches and big houses cleverly hidden behind tall trees.

Hopefully all the driving and parking lessons along the way will also stay in my head, at least till the driving test. Here I am completely banking on my Mind's eye!

Living alone

I guess I should keep an updatable memoir to keep an account of my experiences of living alone for the first time. Yes I belong to the set of the people who romance the idea of first time. The second time is never like the first! (end of discussion)
This will be like a record of the lessons learnt or changes in behavioral patterns.  So here goes the first moment of truth.

1. Living alone makes you cruel!
You no more have the King Arthur roommate who singlehandedly slays the army of multipedes that
invade your living space-the creepy insects with beady eyes in shady corners. You no more have the luxury to be saved, you have to pick up the arms and fight your own devils.
Within a week of moving into my apartment, I have already killed two cockroaches. One brutally drowned in hot water and the other beaten to death. I still have to deal with one dead body when I go back home.
My apartment manager tells me matter of fact, ma'am this is the wild South not the Mid-west.
Well I survived the East without killing a beast, (except for an unfortunate lizard which got squeezed between the door hinges and barred me from entering the room till the last trace of the remains was gone- ofcourse the room mate arranged for that). What memories!
This episode became more gory than intended, but hopefully the next will be uplifting.

2. Living alone makes you 'double-check' your every action..(07/07/2013)
'Dobuul check' is a phrase that I learnt in Kolkata, every time I would run a script or execute a query my team mate was in the habit of asking me to 'dobuuul check'. Well he was in the habit of asking everyone to dobuul check everything in life..
I remembered him, as I got out of my bed at 2am at night to just double check that I had bolted the door. Although I remembered clearly of having done so, I still choose to dobuul check.
I was never the person to check if the cooking gas regulator was closed at night or the doors were latched, there was always someone else to look after these errands. Also if this 'someone' was not around to do the same, I slept and woke up just fine with no care about the door or the gas regulator or anything else.. Now sadly the 'dobuul check' module is loaded, although slightly buggy...


3. GoodNight-GoodMorning system break-down..(11/11/2013)
If you can fall off asleep at night as soon as you get into the bed and close your eyes. Life is good.
If you can wake up at the sound of your alarm without getting too 'alarmed’. Life is good.
Needless to say that life is not good when the above 'ifs' don't hold true. Now there might not be a direct correlation between GoodNight & GoodMorning system break down scenarios and living alone but I do see a pattern.
I have come to realize the importance of the ‘good-night’ chat for a good sleep.
Back in the engineering days when we were not copying assignments, a bunch of us would be huddled together watching ‘Friends’- lack of resources for the communal watching. And as you walked back to your room with your roomie, you had the 5mins of good night chat about ‘today’ and ‘tomorrow’.
Kolkata & Hyderabad followed the same pattern, though Kolkata was more fun-it was the time to curse the fools at work- ‘the today’ and making weekend shopping plans ‘the only tomorrow you cared for’.
MBA good night chats were about ‘submissions for today’ and ‘assignments for tomorrow’ at least for the first year.
The point is these ‘today-tomorrow’ chats gave a closure to the day and I could snore away peacefully having told all the stories/complains that I wanted to tell for the day!
Now when I find myself struggling to sleep, I have to pick up the phone and think of the nocturnal people I know. So living alone makes you understand the value of nocturnal friends to complete your ‘GoodNight’ ritual.

 Same is true about the morning ritual, at least for lazy people like me. Sometimes you come across another lazy soul like you and you instantly sign the most sanctus unspoken agreement about waking up late in the morning without ‘feeling guilty’ about it.  There is unconditional moral support when you miss morning class, show up late at work or improvise a super lazy Sunday morning record, and in some instances a partner in crime!
There are virtues of an early riser roommate as well, occasionally her goodness rubs on you and you have a proud day in a month! She is also your safety net when you fall too deep in slumber on an important morning.
Living alone you have to perform both the above roles by yourself to keep the ‘GoodMorning’ system running smoothly..- Not an easy task!