When you want something badly enough..

It’s the last lap. You have tided past all the initial hiccups and there you are very close to the judgment day. It is the place from where success is closest and the farthest as well. You feel weak in the knees, a slight shiver running down your spine. The hands feel cold really cold but your cheeks are flushed. You try to keep your breathing smooth but there is anticipation oozing out of every pore.

You think of all the times you were close but still not close enough to call ‘success’ your own. You missed by a hairs breadth perhaps but the ghostly shadows of the failure has grown long over the ages and it looms large.

Numerous times you sit down and try to weigh the stakes. At times you picture yourself happily beaming; at times you draw a gloomy sad figure. Still you try to give yourself heart. You know you want it, really badly. It’s just that you don’t know if you would finally make it through this time. I am scared myself, I can think of all the times I have faltered at the last step. Perhaps today I am better groomed to take that last step and perhaps may be still I’m half baked in ways. Who is to judge? Wish it were me!

Well it happens you win some you lose some. Some loses make you come back with more character for the next bout and some you quit and bow out. For the ones you come back again, your own aspirations are bigger. You want it your way this time. Well for all the lofty ideals that others may preach, there is at least some truth somewhere. The fight is always with your own self, the competition is always with you. Losing heart is never an option.

I may choose to fight this battle one last time but still I have made my choice to fight and I will put a good fight, better that what I did the previous time but still at the end its life.. it will go on.. May be I will have my way or I will still have to fight my way back again. But there will always be a battle to wage, a dear wish to be filled.

And the road diverged..

This blog entry is again a later recollection to ‘words-said/unsaid’ about the same emotion when we ignore and later confront.

And the road diverged..

With eyes closed you almost glided through the smooth road.. You trusted the road, It went straight as far as you wished to see. There were no split second decisions to be taken, no immediate choices to be made. You could just live in the moment and put all the decisions that had to be made to some later date way ahead in future. A non eventful regular life, you wake up have breakfast while browsing through the newspaper with some music to give you company and then head off to office where again you have the leisure to refresh Facebook after every 10 minutes. Take a leisurely lunch, an evening break and then the customary mails at the end of the day to call it EOB. All the while you’re head is as light as a feather. Sometimes you resent this lightness terming it as dreary and boring existence but so it goes for a while..

And then when you open your eyes, you realize you’d long exhausted the straight patch, you were vacillating at the crossroads for a while now buying time. There is no escape now..

Then there you are weighing your choices, trying to strike a balance between the expectations of others and your claim on your aspirations. All the decisions that you had been postponing to a later date, creep out from their hideous disguise. All the existential questions, where you stand, where you are heading to start making noises. You see your friends reaching the various social and personal milestones and you realize you have a lot of catching up to do. But first you think why -why everyone is in this hurry to seek change..!  There is this whole baggage of unanswered questions.

It happens once in a while with me when my head goes completely blank, I refuse to talk or discuss with people, I just pull up my blanket and lie gazing with dim lights. I fear for things that stand unresolved, I hate myself for procrastinating so long. I try to reason with myself trying to convince my other self to be gentle and not so demanding. I make up a list of things I thought to attempt and somehow quit them even before the word ‘go’ or someway midway, I reprimand myself. It’s a pitiful state, when I falter under my own scrutiny for the decisions I made or the ones that I haven’t yet.

I go through such confusing phases often, I know of my friends who go through similar phases once in a while. A call at some odd hour and a familiar voice sounding all sullen and crying out his/her woes. Perhaps its all a part of growing and living, the brief periods of dazed ignorance, the sudden awakening, the loss of faith and then somehow we manage to find some hope. We manage to choose a road, again take a leap of faith again…