And the road diverged..

This blog entry is again a later recollection to ‘words-said/unsaid’ about the same emotion when we ignore and later confront.

And the road diverged..

With eyes closed you almost glided through the smooth road.. You trusted the road, It went straight as far as you wished to see. There were no split second decisions to be taken, no immediate choices to be made. You could just live in the moment and put all the decisions that had to be made to some later date way ahead in future. A non eventful regular life, you wake up have breakfast while browsing through the newspaper with some music to give you company and then head off to office where again you have the leisure to refresh Facebook after every 10 minutes. Take a leisurely lunch, an evening break and then the customary mails at the end of the day to call it EOB. All the while you’re head is as light as a feather. Sometimes you resent this lightness terming it as dreary and boring existence but so it goes for a while..

And then when you open your eyes, you realize you’d long exhausted the straight patch, you were vacillating at the crossroads for a while now buying time. There is no escape now..

Then there you are weighing your choices, trying to strike a balance between the expectations of others and your claim on your aspirations. All the decisions that you had been postponing to a later date, creep out from their hideous disguise. All the existential questions, where you stand, where you are heading to start making noises. You see your friends reaching the various social and personal milestones and you realize you have a lot of catching up to do. But first you think why -why everyone is in this hurry to seek change..!  There is this whole baggage of unanswered questions.

It happens once in a while with me when my head goes completely blank, I refuse to talk or discuss with people, I just pull up my blanket and lie gazing with dim lights. I fear for things that stand unresolved, I hate myself for procrastinating so long. I try to reason with myself trying to convince my other self to be gentle and not so demanding. I make up a list of things I thought to attempt and somehow quit them even before the word ‘go’ or someway midway, I reprimand myself. It’s a pitiful state, when I falter under my own scrutiny for the decisions I made or the ones that I haven’t yet.

I go through such confusing phases often, I know of my friends who go through similar phases once in a while. A call at some odd hour and a familiar voice sounding all sullen and crying out his/her woes. Perhaps its all a part of growing and living, the brief periods of dazed ignorance, the sudden awakening, the loss of faith and then somehow we manage to find some hope. We manage to choose a road, again take a leap of faith again…