Playing games with lyrics

When I walk beside her, I am the better man..
When I took to leave her, I always stagger back again.."


"..And when I climbed down to be set free
she took me in again"

He feels weighed down with the pressure of being the better man. His true self has his vices, his weaknesses but he wants his better self to be the 'man' she knows and admires. He feels like a stretched string that's tense, that's tied somewhere, that gets pulled back every time it strays a little far beyond the periphery. She doesn't hold the string he just comes back again...
He climbs down, down from the high pedestal he himself tried to climb for her once. He wants to truly climb down and be free again. This time he wants to cut the string that tie him and pull him back but this time she just takes him back again.. She wants to give him his choice but she doesn't believe somehow that this is really his 'choice'. May be he doesn't really know or may be he does know. She just takes him back again.

And it is here that Eddie Vedder bows out for U2 to croon.. ' I can't live with or without you'...This is the story that plays out when I hear these two songs play out in my playlist. But somehow it ain't just the songs, its my mind still reeling under game theory. How does this game play out, lets put the play-offs in place:

Interestingly this game is inherently tied to the payoffs for each player (This is so John Nash moment for me!!) In the situation above where you win all or lose all and you do so together makes this game play out in the following manner. Its a game which says both can win only if both agree on what they want together. The first mover makes his choice and the other chooses what maximizes the playoffs for both of them. Both are rational people, the first mover knows exactly what he wants and the second trusts the first player to have played his best move and he in return doesn't even look into making the choice where they both lose. Ahh so simple it would have been... But then

'there's a big
a big hard sun
beaten on the big people
in the big hard world'

Thank god for the rest of the lyrics to end the blog abruptly :)

A Journey A Day 3

It is 31^st Dec, the last day of the year and I am spending this day with 4 people I came across in the second half of this year. That is how it is with life- places, people all keep changing.  The plan is to spend the day in LA and be back in SD for the party.  We drive to LA, five people can make a lot of noise especially if 4 of them gang up against one. We were democratic in our choice of target, each one getting his turn, but then ‘some people are more equal than others’, and I get the largest share of leg pulling!

We did a tour of University of South California (USC), since we had an alumnus with us. I need to do a campus tour of my own university so that I can show around people if they land in god forsaken Illinois someday. Headed for lunch at an Indian restaurant that I had frequented once earlier in October, this is when you realize that you have had your share of LA! The locality is like an Asian ghetto, Indians walking around everywhere.  Sitting in the restaurant we were working out our choices, there was the Venice beach and then Hollywood. I had already done the Hollywood detour on a bright October afternoon looking around for Hugh Jackman, the night lights would be a novelty this time.

Venice beach reminded me again of Indian beaches, colorful shops selling colorful wares and lots of faces around.  It was foggy at the beach but our cameras went clicking any ways. Well they clicked all the way into Hollywood. Bright and glittering and jostling and singing and dancing and some deranged man was getting his kick by setting parked car on fire, so the shrill fire brigade and the LAPD were also at their alert best. That’s Hollywood, you’d say.

I decided to give the passing year a peaceful goodbye so I was fast asleep by 11:30 p.m. and did not make the drive back to SD.  My new years are always this peaceful because I don’t want to give my dad a sleepless night the last day of the year and in this case a restless day! (nice alibi)

4^th Jan, I finally said adios to the warm weather and beaches of CA and headed for the frigid Midwest- Milwaukee Wisconsin. This was my first day time flight from LA, so I saw the sunrise in LA, had a small layover in Vegas (it did get me to touch base there!) then fly across the breadth of the country (west coast to the mid west). I surveyed the Grand Canyon from atop (aha! I count that as the reward for three aborted plans). I saw the frozen waters as I headed towards my destination, and steeled myself for the awaiting cold. Fortunately the sun decided to play kind and I was greeted with an unexpected warm weather.

Wisconsin counseled me back to family ways after a nomadic stay with bachelors. I was waking up early, fetching groceries, visiting temples, spending time in a pre-school where my relative was doing a part time, going out for post dinner walk in the chill for 3miles. I was living in a clean apartment having regular meals, listening to baba ramdev (you can’t block off a high decibel rant if you are anywhere in the house when he’s on TV) now that’s a lot of change! I met another engg-college batch mate, who drove me to the Lake Michigan water front. It was so cold and deserted that it gave me an eerie feeling.  There were big brick buildings around but not a soul in sight.

After a cozy stay for a week, it was time to move again and this time it was the last leg of the Journey.  It did end in style.

Thank you everyone who played a host to a broke. Thank you for taking your time to show me around places. My apologies to Roadstar-R for embarrassing him in writing, but since he’s on the reading list I guess it’s all in good spirit! There were other names as well that didn’t make it to the blog, but I’ll give them a roll call for sure… starting with poooja, ace, dave and yes the Bhaskars and the Bharatis(oops there was just one).  Thanks people!

A Journey A Day 2

Lake Tahoe was like homecoming for me. We reached Lake Tahoe in the evening, it was brightly lit up with Christmas lights which gave it a certain warmth but in reality it was dark and cold at 28F. Well the Christmas lights didn’t completely work their charm on the Roadstar-R because there was no snow and so he couldn’t enjoy his CD of Christmas carols while driving. The Casino lights sure worked their charm on him, and he hit the slot machines and the low bet Black Jack tables after a ‘I am not a gambler’ prelude. I just walked around looking distractedly at all the flashing lights, the electronic sounds and trying to identify the amateurs with the real players. I was tasked to lose a dollar Roadstar-R had won on one of the slot machines and get photographed doing so, which I generously obliged. All throughout I heard stories of how this place compares nowhere to Vegas, and I just thought good that I came in here first!

The next morning brought with it the radiance and the warmth that the sun reserves only for places with the hills and the lakes. After a breakfast of French toasts, pancakes and coffee, we headed to explore the lake.  I am tempted to put pictures of Tahoe instead of writing about it, since it was completely a visual treat, with the picturesque mountains and the clear water.  It was the closest I had gotten to Ladakh. (I am inwardly smiling at the use of the word, ‘closest’ when I am in US, ‘closest’ when there was no snow around). In real winter, the lake freezes and the mountains are all snow clad, but this year it hadn’t snowed yet. I was witness to the beauty in sunshine and honestly coming from Illinois nothing seemed dearer to me than the sun shining on my back! They say when you have a good breakfast; you get a good Italian lunch- well I just cooked that up. So I had two things to thank my guides, getting me to the awesomest place and feeding me well :)

 

We drove in late to SF, watched the latest Sherlock Holmes movie, ate again at an Indian place we had tried earlier and then said goodbye to our SF friend. Tomorrow was again going to be an early day-on the road at 7am; we were to drive all along the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH).  Roadstar-R  had claimed that once I have been on the PCH drive, I would realize the meaning of, ‘the whole is greater than the sum of the parts’.  Now this is not exactly how he put it across, but this is what I realized at the end of it. I had seen the parts all along in Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Diego, LosAngeles, Ventura- a part of the ocean.  We drove in all day and all along the Pacific Ocean, I saw the metaphorical ‘whole’ which again was just a ‘part’ of something even bigger.

Firstly the non-driver seat is the ocean facing so you have the advantage. I saw the ocean first from a height, then we came at level with it; at times it was an inch away, at times there was a small hillock of grass or small rocks standing the guard between. Sometimes it was hazy with the water spray then sparkling in the sunshine, it changed hues, it changed forms, ah! it was always changing.  We stopped regularly to take photographs or sit still to take in the place and left just when the place got swamped with other people trying to do the same. I just wanted to impress the views somewhere in my mind, where I could recall them at will and have that beautiful feeling of awe stay with me forever. We reached Ventura after almost a 12 hour drive.

This brings to end the Christmas lap. New Year leg will take another day and another blog :)

A Journey A Day 1

The initial plan was to base camp in LA and then to be in San Diego around Christmas, be back in LA for New Year and then fly back. So much for the plan, I was in San Diego before Christmas and LA wasn’t an option to stay any longer.  I didn’t want to overstay the invite in San Diego(SD) so I contemplated flying back to Chicago OR OR (HIMYM style) I could go on a road trip to San Francisco(SF) and beyond. That’s what I did.

First I was to travel to Ventura where I would meet up with the true Roadstar-R (not as in Rockstar but one who knows the roads and places very well!).  I was well advised to take the train route and not the bus route as the train goes all along the pacific coast and it is a treat to gaze along.  But what do you do when you find that the only available seat is on the right hand side, when the ocean side is on your left. You can try to peer outside, only till the time the blessed soul on the left doesn’t pull the curtains across.  So I was glued to my laptop sitcom collection for the 4:00 hr ride.

Roadstar-R had a good laugh at my cost, for I didn’t get to see the pacific all along, the wifi in the train was not working and the train was also delayed due to larger volume of passengers and longer stops.  Once he was done laughing he took me to see the sunset at Ventura pier (was by now aware of the American obsession with pier)
 

 

At Ventura I saw the ocean in all its moods- a calm sunset when I walked along listening and singing old Hindi songs. Another evening when the waters were at their restless best, it was overwhelming to see the water cave in before it rose into a huge wave and surged across. Then another afternoon in the small shipyard where I could have happily dozed off if not for the breeze and my constant talking. At Ventura the beach was more personal to the locals; there weren’t the typical tourists but regular people walking their dogs, playing with their kids, going out for a jog. There were the more ‘posh’ RV tourists who lazed around in their own foldable gears with iced beers around. Chronologically aforementioned afternoons and evenings were once I was back from SF and then again back from SD before leaving CA.

We started for SF early morning, Ventura to SF is close to 360 miles and we had our lunch waiting at a newlywed college couple’s place. No wedding gifts for them instead we almost got them to cancel their Vegas trip and join us for a road trip to Grand Canyon. Grand Canyon might have to wait a little more, because I am sure we made more than 3 aborted plans this time. For the evening and the next day, it was SF touring. I saw the golden bridge in the dark, in the afternoon and I happily opted to imagine it at sunrise! The city looked beautiful with Christmas lights and I had my fair share of them at all the major landmarks. The other attraction is the SF port with its multiple piers. It’s a delight walking along the bay front and watch all kinds of street performances. This place is also a culinary delight for sea food lovers (I could tell that from the smell I could barely stand!). However the city has food for every taste and i had my fill of Indian food with Thumbs up while reminiscing good old engg-college day. The brick apartment with fire escapes, the trams, the narrow lanes that dive and rise freakishly, the city has its own character- the ‘city of gays and gypsies’-my friends version who lived there. A popular quote for the city reads as "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.", the city has quirky weather, heterogeneous population, undercurrent of liberal and cultural activism- the city is alive!

The next destination was Lake Tahoe, we reached there because Roadstar-R believed in going where ever his ‘gaadi’ took him. The co-passengers didn’t complain, we alternatively dozed in the back seat and dutifully kept awake while on the front seat.

I guess I’m sleepy now to continue about Tahoe and the Pacific Coast Highway-PCH drive. I’ll continue tomorrow and may be ramble less!

A Journey A Day

I am clumsy with luggage; it always ends up weighing more than I can carry.

I was carrying footwear for the sun and the beaches, another pair for a quick stroll in the evening chill, another one to trek along slippery hill sides, a pair of heels for a fancy evening and just the one I needed now to walk in snow and drag this heavy load to my apartment. I am sure the snow underneath quickly worked out the math as I tried to wheel the bag across. 

I am clumsy with zippers; they take focused attention of both my eyes and hands to work their way. Put in a strong wind as well, with snowflakes in flight and a long knee length jacket. I put down my luggage, focus my entire being to the task in hand and yeah zip out the crazy wind.
Now to the next task in hand and make the trek to the apartment. Naah! it wasn’t going to be easy dragging my luggage in the snow; the wheels of the stroller were just piling up snow.
The flashy glazed paper bag, I was carrying thought this to be the opportune moment to come falling.
I balanced the stuff from the torn package on top of my stroller, lifted it and made my way to the apartment. I rested and looked around when I reached the steps of my apartment. Not a soul in sight, not a sound, no colors rebelling the serenity of white. I walked up the steps, after two shifts I finally stepped into my apartment. I smiled, as I answered the phone I was happy to be back to the nest after insane travelling for a month. 

I visited so many places that I cannot even rattle off their names in one breath. I saw new places, met with new people. I made this long trip banking on old friends and acquaintances. And I just realized that trusting old people in new places is a risky bargain. The world, the relationships as we know them are ironic; they hold both beauty and ugliness in equal measure.

The journey ‘timeline’ started with 15^th Dec 5:30am for 8:00am bus to Chicago, I was bound for Los Angeles. The actual travel hours would add up as Champaign to Chicago: 2:30hrs, Chicago airport via local transit train: 45mins, Chicago to Los Angeles: 4hrs, LA destination 1.5 hrs. in traffic.  However with my nervous nature to buffer in the time that I am wont to getting lost, I clumsily travelled for a day. Smiled and hugged an old lady who needed help with her luggage coming in the carousal. Big cities, lonely old people.

17^th Dec, Camarillo it was, the sprawling outlets and the multitudes that walked in and out the stores. Walking around in malls tires me, window shopping ain’t my taste and buying is beyond means for now. We drove to Malibu beach and pier. It was my second drive here, the mountainous route that alternatively conceals and reveals the Pacific Ocean. I was now familiar when to anticipate the ocean but the beauty betrays any signs of familiarity. We stayed till it was all dark when you could register the presence of the dark waters only in their stirrings.

18^th Dec, it was an early morning drive to Santa Barbara, for we wanted to drive back to San Diego in the evening. We left the waters in the dark only to revisit them in the morning. The sunshine snuggling comfortably in the wooden pier and lazy birds posing for the shutterbugs, you could almost feel time slowing down its pace a little. The quaint little place had a strong Spanish influence in the architecture. Everything around you confirms that all you need is lots of money to live in that picturesque place. And perhaps you will be all old and grey before you see that day!

On our way back to San Diego, we visited the Malibu temple and the LA Griffith observatory. Saw the LA city lights (you don’t show that to people who have seen Chicago skyline!) Late night drive back to San Diego.

Instead of counting the places and the dates when I visited different places in San Diego, I would rather put down just my general impression of the place. I loved the place. It was beautiful and within reach to afford a living. It had lots of different flavors to offer. The Hispanic influence comes across strongly, in the architecture, the language and the general vibe of life there. Topographically it is beautiful with the hills, lake, coves, ocean, beaches and the sun. Interestingly in that far flung place, I met a fellow pahari, who swore she could identify my native place seeing my face.

Post the San Diego leg, there is Christmas in San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. New Year in LA & Ventura and then another short spell in Racine Wisconsin before I am back in Champaign. Calls for another blog post.

Another new year!

To look ahead 365 days from now and take a wild guess as to where life would take you is beyond imagination. To look back 365 days from now and think how far you have come along just makes you realize how life has its own way to unfold just one day at a time. I understand that the reverse clairvoyance to see that far back may seem overwhelming for some people. For those of you the closest example I can think of would be a kaleidoscope. The patterns change and emerge with each gentle movement. I saw the simplest version of a kaleidoscope at a roadside stall along a beach. It was just two perpendicular glass tubes, filled with a colored liquid and some sparklers. As I looked though the eyepiece, the sunshine around magically conceived the most beautiful patterns in the glass tube in my hand and with each of my hand movements I saw new patterns evolve. So it is with life the patterns emerge, distort and keep changing. Some days it just gets cloudy, some days the hands are just not steady. What lies inside stays the same but what shows on the surface is never the same. 

I am not sure whether I want to hold the glass tube steady and keep looking at what I behold now. I somehow invariably have the itch to shake things slightly, move them around to see what more can evolve. Then I have a second urge to hold on to some patterns that just seem too dear. But incidentally someone too likes to play this game and sometimes he chooses to smile radiantly with all his warmth and sometimes he just shies behind some loathsome cloud.

So for all the sun-shine, clouds, rain and snow bring them on.. its a New Year yet again!